ages since i posted. 



but i need a confidante. 



my 41 year old boyfriend of a year and a half has been totally unattractive to me since i got back from a three week trip to indonesia.  hmm.  this is most likely the result of me cheating on him for the last week of the trip with an indonesian boy.  with much mutual affection and attraction and handholding and fun.   i never was so comfortable with sex with anyone else...and really....my history of partners is very very small...and me, anxious.  i don't know.  i never thought i would do that.  it was just so comfortable....startlingly....such a rarity for me.  and there was chemistry!  and attraction!  it was nice to be with someone who was a year older than me...instead of 15 years older.  the age thing wasn't so much of an issue...but now all of a sudden i have some basis of comparison.  but....it's strange....i can't really imagine anything of the sort happening with twentysomethings in san francisco all full of hipster sensibilities and alcohol.  it made a lot more sense in bali....walks in rice fields...no alcohol...no pick up lines....just feeling good spending time together and then that grew into something more.   that's how it happened with my boyfriend too.    eek.



i am thoroughly confused.  that this falling for someone else thing would happen with so much loving honest relationship for the past year in the background...is scary and sad and strange.



on the other hand, while i don't want to try to absolve myself with excuses....but sex life with boyfriend has been difficult...but every other thing has been great.  it's not very clear that he is attracted to me.  the times we did have sex....he was so painfully distant afterwards that it was kind of horrible.    he has genital herpes which makes everything far more careful and anxiety producing.  it took us a loong time to have sex for the first time...several months with a lot of touching and pleasure....and it was mostly me who was full of anxiety...having a hard time relaxing..and sometimes he would get quite frustrated with me....and i would feel bad and abnormal.  but then we finally did it!  and it was nice and i was rather excited to start a new phase of things....but instead just after that:  he loses all sex drive, is very distant, and gets an outbreak shortly after.  long time passes....we try again....same thing happens.  it's so strange.  oof.  and meanwhile, time passes...hormones change....and i feel my sex drive increasing...a new thing to really feel it....and not have it sort of pulled out of me by a partner. 



so we saw this happening...and then we read this book: peace between the sheets.  about how orgasmic sex makes everyone crazy.  man turns distant, lady turns clingy--let's fight and hate each other.  it seemed to fit out pattern to the t. and we thought we might try this whole non orgasmic thing.  no grabby touching.  no thrusting.  open heart giving stay still.  but all that is prefaced by this fourteen day series of exercises to break your old orgasm "addiction."  but we haven't had fourteen consecutive days together in months.  so long time...not so much bedroom activity.  hmm.



meanwhile....that funny book...i wonder if i am under the influence of my brain chemicals and experiencing some big sex hangover from the overseas experiences....and maybe two weeks and i'll snap out of it....that's what the book says.  two week orgasm hangover.  so i miss this boy for whatever reason....brain chemistry...or genuine connection.  meanwhile...trying to settle back into city existence and boyfriend co-existence.   and going a little crazy. 



i really want to tell boyfriend what happened and talk about the whole sex issue and maybe we can work it out somehow.  we love each other....and he is always the brutally honest one.  but....i also feel like maybe i should wait because we have planned to go to england to meet his family at the end of march.  and i'm scared to create a terrible context for that.  of course...i know he can feel that things are weird between us.  i don't know....everything seemed really perfect for a while....i would hate to think that the sex thing is the deal breaker....but maybe we are just best friends struggling to make ourselves lovers.  or course....maybe my cheating would be a deal breaker anyway.  it's all very scary. 



i'm not really a big sucker for romantic hoopla...or a big sex monster.  he was a sweet boy with a good heart...and we liked each other's company...perhaps i am a sucker for this.  ug.  i just don't really feel that bad about it...i'm happy that i met him and we got to spend time together...but the likelihood of seeing each other again any time soon is very very small...sad.  now i just feel terrible about how my boyfriend will feel when i tell him....and full of fear that this is the end.  though maybe the end makes sense.  or maybe it won't be the end..just difficult....maybe the beginning of a different phase of our relationship? 



oof.  i feel a bit embarrassed having written all of this.  but....not quite ready to tell various friends....i think i need to put this somewhere...so here it is....