what is it about time limited library internet that makes me want to throw something on this blog here? 

but ah what a charming little weekend i had.  a late dater thing with the smart boy eating tapas at ten o clock at night.  ambling around the streets.  sleeping over there less fitfully than before.  fairly comfortable with the progression of things.  dot dot dot.  etc.  my walk home from potrero hill extended for a few hours.  a little eggy business at the st. francis.  a long stroll through the salvation army.  running errands. doing laundry.  fine little funny with the roommates.  a mediocre dance event, reasonably entertaining. 

sunday was slow moving slow to wake up.  but then met up with mutual attraction must resist friend and we walked up to twin peaks from my house.  up and up.  had big bowls of vietnamese soup.  drank tea in my house.  surprise momlike crazy housemate was baking cookies.  watched some crazy movie.  acknowledged our awkward mutual attraction how i feel like wrapping myself around you and etc etc thing.  grasped our logical resistance.  long tight lovely squeeze goodbye.  yikes.  really funny. 

wouldn't it be nice if i could fuse those two boys into one.

 

a rankling circumstance:

this friend feller of mine i once "hooked up" with as the kids say.  i "hung out" with him late last week post long day at work and class.  saw exciting traveling pictures.  heard tales.  lots of fun.  unusual in my life to find i have a san francisco friend with whom i am able to engage in conversation for hours quite comfortably.  all pretty casual.  but it got oh quite late.  and i took forever to leave.  as various verbal digressions always catch me on my way out.  then some half expected half unexpected flirtiness in the kitchen.  these arms around my waist.  a mildly awkward moment.  i had resolved not to partake of this rather strong mutual attraction...and he had too.  and we didn't.  but this resistance right on the edge of that attraction makes me feel weird.  tense.  arms around my waist friendship flirtation ambiguity makes me feel all off kilter.  seeing him again at a party over the weekend--did i act weird?  not sure.  but i was a little avoidant i think. did not want to talk.  felt self conscious.  and then there is the sexy girlfriend and i feel inadequate.  and i'm a little angry.  mainly at myself.  i hate that i can't parse these feelings apart or let friendship plus lustful humdrum live comfortably together.  and i know i'm not very good at not reciprocating flirtatious undertones.  because i like feeling wanted and i'm totally attracted to him.  and i hate that i like feeling wanted.  makes me want to retreat completely.  i'm quite bad at managing my human wantings to be wanted mate finding twentysomething drives in concert with rationality and appearing happy plus good social behavior.  crap.

the big internal empty is never so apparent as when i am with other people. 

but then again...a happy visit with my old college pal.  meandering long oh long conversation about weird things.  we examined some roosters.  fluffy headed chickens.  spoke of terror management theory.  him as a poor twelve year old boy lying in bed at night awake, afraid of death.  what's the point if we're all going to die.  they say we create and persist and build out of some effort to avoid thinking of the terror of death, to leave some solid something behind, and all that. but i don't know.  maybe i haven't been close enough to dying and dead.  i rather like that i will be consumed back into soil at some point...my body properly back into the cycle of things.  i consume so much, use all this plastic and poison.  maybe i can feed some fungi anyway.  fertilize some plants.  at the very least.  and really...all my layers of regret, worry, mistakes repeating and repeating...don't matter in the long run.  my little synapses will eventually stop and decay with the rest of me.  a nice thought in my more negative head spaces. but then again.  all my inner nonsense.  perhaps avoiding another form of death.  the terror of misrepresentation, of others not really "getting" me or seeing me at all, eternal misinterpretation.  leaving, if anything, an inaccurate smudge of who i was or wanted to be.  perhaps better not to connect or leave any trace at all.  hmmm.

we also touched upon the curiosity of social psychology not daring to broach the topic of sexuality.  even though all this mate finding lustful pair up nonsense seems to drive so much behavior.  indeed.  kind of crazy.  especially as i find myself in post all girls school post college pseudo adult world suddenly way too concerned about finding a nice young lad...as evidenced by my repetitive boy-related blog entries.  yes indeed.  (puke) hopefully this is just a brief little thoughts stage.  driven by hormones.  subject to intermittent flarings up. 

but certainly my weirdheadedness at that party was enhanced by the mild sadness that inevitably follows spending time with an old college pal.  friendships now are of a totally different character.  to be in a loud room full of acquaintances after hours long old time conversation seemed like some cruel parody. 

yikes. 

enough enough.

the most idiotic thing i have done ever: i hit a car on my way to work on wednesday.  at a red light.  right in front of me.  inattentive little fuck.  yuck. 

tired as all hell.

strange neck pains. 

yaar.

always seeming to be chasing after some idyllic healthy well rested self.  alas.  but i could be worse.  yes?

let me see.  let me coin a pseudonym....nasa boy?  hoo-ray: i'm still keen on the nasa boy.  another little night: nice.

the problems of being keen:

1. intrusive thoughts of a fine physical sizzle. kiss. mouth. neck. hands. nibble. nape. press. undress. mmm. and all that.

2. a sense of impending doom: a terrible discovery to come, misplaced affections, mistaken interpretations, eventual regrets, unexpected rejection at the worst possible time and when i least expect it.   yes, i know the meaning of "self fulfilling prophecy," that i should "be positive!" that expectations influence outcome.  doom thinking is quite hard to stop methinks.  probably more realistic than trying so hard to be positive that i ignore idiocy and irritation out of the thrill of feeling wanted by someone (my trend so far anyway). 

3. the interminable self-reflections.  the disturbance in the force.  i kinda wonder if that thrill of feeling wanted is not so potent for people with higher self esteem and more huggable parents.  i hate to be so permeable to the outside, for my mood to be so easily affected (elevated!) by new and tenuous connection.  my self boundaries get all pulled and stretched out of shape by this odd feeling of fullness...until i take note of all the pretending and assuming and composing i must be doing to conceptualize a person and a connection...and i remember how empty and unknown everything is, how i made it all up...and like the lungs of some poor emphysema patient with no elastic recoil...who can't exhale with all that loose tissue and empty space...all full of stale suffocating air.  all that closeness reminds me of all this empty.  and oh here it goes oh no rumble rumble modern neurosis western self-centered longing for connection rigmarole rat a tat i'm a poor little hungry ghost.   help oh help.  ho ho ho.

3. the terrible terrible telephone. 

4. probable assymetries of affection.

better things:

1. well.  those same intrusive thoughts can be a very nice internal pause.

2. geeky humor.  which occasionally falls flat.  and then i can make fun of him.  and it's fine because he'll make fun of me later.  and also talk in strange voices.  and threaten to herniate each other or otherwise jam a chopstick into his recently acquired side of the head gash.   ow.

3. hey wow.  still quite amazed that a little mutual something exists even briefly between me and a weird smartypants boy,  recognizing the obvious rarity of the situation, my rockhard negativity is slightly gelatinous, and may even allow that the doom is not so immediately impending. 

4.  the modern day social acceptability of text messaging.  ha.

may the mind not dwell.

meanwhile. good god.  tomorrow the nighttime chemistry class begins in earnest.  oakland: 6:00 to 9:30.  2 hours of lecture plus an hour and a half of lab.  how interesting it will be to see what becomes of me.  though when i went to the first lecture i felt like i was in high school.  seems like it won't be that bad.  but the fatigue involved may be overwhelming.  i loved chem in high school.  and never took it again.  hmm. seven years since chemistry.  let it not kill me please. 

ok.  yoga class is imminent.  i have computered for far too long.  alas. adieu.

oh crikey.  all agog she is over some new lad.  too self-conscious of girliness to say a word to the mates.  so motime drainage unit receives overflow. hello. a charming fellow i had briefly met a year or so ago, re-met last friday out dancing (had to bring the sis out after all).  affiliated with people i know here in this city as well as with people i know in boston.  curious.  a smartypants with education employment and weirdness.  considering my history of brief pretend relationships with idiot boys (save for one i guess), i am hesitant to believe that mutual attraction could exist between me and a good one...or that it could lead to much of anything.  but hey. i actually went on a date that was fun and giggly and interesting.  as opposed to the accidental boring thirtysomething dates that have punctuated my times here.  oh all charms.  oh gee. sigh.  and all that.  twitter twitter.  girl girl.  cluck cluck.  ah such comfortable arms.  oh such a nice kiss.  twitter.  cluck. etc.

how oh how unhealthy are the holidays.  went to new york just as the transit strike appeared...which wasn't too bad...but a nuisance.  visited old pal.  alas.  our conversations much too often turned to such female absurdities.  the perfect boy search mission.  gross.  it's only getting worse as i get older.  i fear by the time i am 35 i'll have turned to makeup and a whole array of bodily discomfort devices made to make me more appealing.  baby. my bulging gastrocnemius so fine oh fine taste it when i jam my toes into the pointed toe of a high heeled shoe.  puke.

so much meat has been slowly digested by my body in such a short time period.  i feel so saturated with goo.  my long digestive lumen all lined with a new layer of gelatinous fat stuff.  sorely lacking vegetables.

my household has been inundated with chocolate.  since i am morphing into some typical female i can't help but eat it.  oh!  chocolate.  imagine the grotesque show of premenstrual craving satisfaction. gross.

i did, however, have a nice little jaunt to wilbur hot springs and got back the day before 101 flooded and wine country went under and all that madness.   a fine fine dirty green hot hot soaking sulfury time. 

meanwhile.  my neck shoulder muscle place on the right side has gone awry.  a foolish absent minded turn of the head while in shoulder stand.  oh blast.  think it will return to normal in a day or two.  as soon as i finally regain yoga regularity (the last two classes i was  extraordinarily tired, still getting over a new york/cat allergy kinda cold thing, and was sore as all hell during class and the next day), i'm to take another break.  ack. 

then the long family weekend.  egads.  stuffing ourselves.  they came to sf and i stayed in the hotel over the weekend.  the occasional tension all taut.  but no explosions.  some rumblings about my mother still paying for 27 year old sister's health insurance and the general boyfriend displeasure.  all pretty reasonable to rumble about.  but mum never really chooses the right time or tone of voice (historically the angry face bitchy slightly raised voice in the middle of a restaurant meal) to approach things with any hope of appropriate response...and when they get like that they never listen to each other anyway.  bleh.  and so...the cycle continues.  so curious.  my mother plainly dislikes sister's fellow but then brings him on little trips and bought him clothes and such.  cristina imagines that all this indicates acceptance.  but then my mother tells me how she thinks he is so stupid and so annoying and hates him and all that.  it's more of a resignation niceness than genuine (and certainly better than explosive insulting to rob and his family kind of drunken bitchiness of the past).  but sis seems content with deceiving herself.  it all seems absurd and unhealthy to me.  since they refuse to talk rationally about the underlying generally ignored tension about money.  mom bought sis a house years ago and has never ever paid rent and has always lived there with boyfriend who has mostly been unemployed (currently has no day job but has a few nights of dj'ing), house costs absurd amounts to maintain (billwise, fixing things and such), sis is a lawyer but only in her first year aand working mostly independently.  she has never fully supported hersefl, seems to be guilt free about taking lots of mom money and having her support her boyfriend a fair amount too, and not very motivated to try to change the situation at all.  mom hates the situation but has managed to keep it up for so long, avoiding all rational conversations about how to taper things off somehow, instead only bursting forth when slightly drunk and then ignoring as usual when sis calls to ask for money.  it has been many years now.  a couple years ago i thought i could help convince them to talk like nice folk, put something in writing and stick to it (this being sometime when sis revealed she had run up some giant many thousands in credit card debt and had mom bail her out of it)...but that was total failure.  so.  i gave up.  hate it.  trying not to get too deep into similar situation...but here i am not quite able to support myself.  i blame the car.  but...damn i like having a car to escape this densely populated place.  yikes.  ug.  and my tendency towards honesty, self-criticism, and guilt seems to make me a far less stable and agreeable person than them.  so...

one nice thing:  kids at school not bad at all.  strangely ever since returning the classroom has been flowing fairly nicely.  not totally dead after work like i was ever since thanksgiving.  i thought the wee autistic kiddies might kill us all after being gone for so long...but it is ok.  ho ho ho.

dreaming one day of renewed normal healthy diet (still eating family restaurant left overs), regular yoga, feeling regular ok again.  hope so soon.