knock knock.  sitting in the rather generic cafe--wireless nearest to the abode not yet wired.  i seem to have a proper room.  i have removed the gross dirt coated blinds in favor of new ikea fabric cheap but sexy blinds--yes, ikea where i believe we spent something like five hours yesterday experienced various states of burn out and hunger and eating their funny food and all this.  though we did achieve some useful purchases despite the struggle and the disappeared day.  mister schmuck might appreciate that i had a beer at greenbergs with my dad and a roommate and other roommates parents as we recovered from too much moving the other day.  and i have notified my mate that pancakes are in order one of these days.  i seem to be crazy such that i awoke rather early in the morning (after six hours of sleep) and felt compelled to spend some hours cleaning this gross disgustoid bathroom window and covering it in special squared plastic ikea  bought stuff to hide naked bodies from kitchen view before eating or getting out of pajamas.  but there is a pleasant feeling in having a quite functional outlet for my occasionally obsessive tendencies.  but really there is not much going on.  interesting to have the dad come help and be fatherly all day.  it is eerie how genetics have played out.  we seem to get along fairly well with certain personality similarities despite his generally not being there since i was four.   and so.  yes.  little functional practical tap tap tasks have been in the forefront of things.  hoping soon enough to refinish my little tiny desk.  affix shelves to the wall.  someday get the rest of my stuff from the old house too.  get a good night's sleep.  yes yes yes.

 rat a tat.  my head has been a bit rickety these past few days.  perhaps the breaking of the routines.  packing things up.  plus interviews.  and non interviews.  not sleeping well.  (and no dsl!) all that. 

complaint:  i went to watch my roommate in little autistic children world in oakland all morning.  got up at seven for the first time in ages (a painful feat).  the kids were oh-so-cute five and six years olds.  a little kooky and funny and not much for conversation.  but terribly charming--particularly this one little guy with crazy shaggy hair who occasionally said "¿que pasó?" and was very good at asking for popcorn and earned chocolate syrup for his work.  and when he got something right would say "good work" "good job" and such before roommate had time to tell him.  but i slowly died throughout the day and got a ride to the interview place.  had an hour to find lunch (pride in navigating out of the ghetto looking area to where i found some fhoul which i had never had but took the counter lady's advice yum) and supplement my gradual caffeination with some early grey tea.  i did an excellent job of re-finding my destination and getting there right on time.  only to wait half an hour.  and find out my interview was cancelled (why did this take half an hour!?).  that a different woman was doing the interview than i had been in contact with and that she claimed to have called me.  but apparently dialed the wrong number. but really i shouldn't be so irritated since her excuse was emergency oral surgery.  right?  but that sucked.  feeling my caffeine draining out of me reminding me of my five or so hours of sleep and early wakening as i sat in that fluorescent light waiting room oozing away.  i so wanted to get these things over with and feel like i could pause over my employment destiny while moving all my stuff.   instead i am getting myself all caught up in the muck.  and this is absurd when i am unemployed and ought to view the time stretched out before me with my hand shading my eyes from the sun to sharpen all those distant shapes of things.  this is partially because i watch my roommate move with such intent and efficiency (she stained and varnished her floor after work, for instance) and the contrast to my wiggle waggle ways is making me uncomfortable.  and by the time it was evening i had not had a proper rest and my funny not yet broken in shoes were breaking my feet and i found myself being quite emphatically against the black toilet seat the roommates wanted to get.  expending my energy in most absurd ways.  precision lost.  ug. and so.  perhaps today re-well rested i can fall back into things without such continual self criticism and worry.  ok?  ok. 

i did, however, have an excellent ice cream cone at mitchell's and find my dream dish rack and a teeny tiny desk the perfect size for my little room. 

in retrospect, another painful yell with mum the day before yesterday surely put me out of wack as well.  it got underway because i said part of my thinking in trying to find a research job is to get another rec letter for applying to grad school later this year.  and mom hates that i think it is necessary to have all the requirements for a graduate school application.  hates that i show any concern about not getting in and trying to cover all the bases to make it as likely as possible that i do get in.  and hates that i want to try to get a related job to see if i actually want to pursue graduate study in psychology or something else altogether.  and hates that i ever paused in pursuing purely and only school after finishing college.   and seems to think the only possible way of being successful in life is to proceed as if i am going to be a doctor:  set the school path and go.  no confused pauses or choices to make in between.  no time to spare.   the most memorable line: "when i was 24 i already had a PhD!"  And i told her that the speed at which she moved in her life was quite irrelevant to how i go about mine.  though i am being a bastard and being supported by her right now so perhaps i have no right to say these things and should put myself beneath her thumb (but dammit, this is no fair since even my sister who followed all the life rules, went to law school without really feeling like she wanted to, passed the bar, now works only twenty hours a week, still is mostly supported by my mother, lives in a house that she bought for her, and felt entitled to having mom buy tickets to florida for her and her boyfriend to go and party for a week).  i also pointed out that she had already married and divorced some mysterious man and begun her ultimately failed marriage with dad when she was 24 (i, alas, could not resist the snipe at that later stage of the yelling).  and how painfully disappointing it must be that her daughter is not only woefully behind academically and financially, but sorely poor in reproductive fitness as well.  well.  whoops.  writing this made me a bit sore again.  eek. 

well.  i will proceed into the sun and put my long left laundry in the dryer.  ahoy. 

 oh ug oh my the quantity of water falling from the sky is quite startling. so. oh. i am damp.  but now i got started so.  ok.  my two minute post while on the ironically named express computer (the connection was absurdly slow for some reason) at the berkeley public library was less than satisfactory.  so imma go into it a little bit more.  yes yes.  i say.  funny weekend.  ran the gamut really.  all this internal hype for dance to psychedelic trance time turned out less than stellar.  little overzealous with my fun secret something (very long time since had).  silly lady i am ought not to have had such and such in too big club space with too many bodies too much navigation transit etc through mounds of moving people with those gnashing teeth and all that.  but i was all excited.  so i was ill thinker headed and attempted to concentrate on dancing.  succeeded for various prolonged periods.  exquisite bits of spaciousness somehow managed, physical and mental i mean.  a nice simultaneity.  this is what we look for in dancing nights.  but all framed by thoughts of doing a poor job of it.  this that and everything else.  this inescapable self-consciousness and oozy ick.  meanwhile.  an unprecedented number of people who i always see but never talk to decide they have met me before and say hello as though they have.  conveniently just when i am in no proper happy open state to be approached by strangers pretending that they know me.  i reinforce my inner knottiness with those rare interactions turned fallen flat.  splat.  but this nighttime struggle crushes all sorts of the better things out of me.  the following day fatigued and occasionally closing in on tears.  sputter tutter sad.  bad.  tries to amble about throughout the day.  but tired rumble ug etc. ok. early to bed.  long sleep. up again medium...eep.  some fair roommate pleasantry.   obtaining interview pants.  new special shoes that slope backwards so you put more weight on your heel and shift the rest of you straighter better posture style.  the evening a trip to chinatown where roommate works the door.  dance to techno.  a nice (oh, cute) feller is another one who thinks he met me but he didn't really but i met him then.  and a few pleasant conversations with medium sized asian people down to earth.  and proper fabulous dancing for an hour or so.  thus, yes, i remind myself how to act like a human and not an armored car.  or a brick.  or a substance oozing dense and thick.  i did a much better job.  very well then.  yes. 

but just the other day i said to myself, i feel good and healthy headed.  but then spent this night and day wrangling with my wumbling.  with whether there is self-deception afoot.  if all my seeming acceptance was really just hardening myself against changes and humans so they couldn't penetrate so far into me as previously.  and wreck my equilibrium at the drop of a hat.  or better yet i mean perhaps inspire me to mince and mangle all the meanings i make of changes and human interactions which dot dot dot i wildly project and project back and thus therefore ho ho ho wreck my equilibrium at the drop of a hat.  ha.  but i think my head is back on track.  and apart from secret something, there is also the convenient excuse of cycle time which may have had quite a plausible no good effect. 

and so...today i had an interview for a job, not school, for a research assistant shebang at berkeley school of public health.  which i would very much like to do.  but have no idea how it went.  as i always feel i was supposed to tell more lies and grandiose things than i did.  instead i told truths...a little wavering because i want this job to help me figure out what i want to the future to hold.  it does not stand in perfect line with tremendous lofty goals and fabulous experience. so.  bleep.  though there was a satisfying coincidence that i had met this doctoral student man who interviewed me coincidentally in a hallway when we were both coming to see the same lady who had not shown up at the appointed time.  so i like to pretend that is a special sign.  but but.  well.  i left the interview feeling fairly swell but let my doubting humdrum eat away at me as the day went on.  i was, however, very well dressed.  so clearly i will be called back again for the second line of interviewing and be employed.  yahoo.  (and,  ho ho ho, get a rec letter please).  so.  blam.

now this is it for that.  i think i have expanded well upon the two minute quick quick.  complete and neat.

two minutes blog post. ok. dancing.  fuzzy head. dismay blub blub blub self conscious gross ick but ok well the weekend made things better ok remembered dancing and all its loveliness an early night to sleep much fatigue first coffee in five days menstrual blah oh ug new home visit wandering round finished my book made up for friday danced to techno acted like a human for a little while and then then uh oh well i went to berkeley to be interviewed wearing fabulous pants and reverse heeled shoes who knows how it goes but so there 11 seconds remain

rumble rumble.  my plans: nap.  followed by: out dancing.  i have this olden time feeling since i have not been out all night in ages.  i feel like my body is well prepared.  careful not to overestimate the wellness of my back.  though i felt this unusual squirmy pain in my left foot mid toe.  and so.  i like to think my poor pressed peroneal nerve is thinking about healing in the coming months.  seems like all the muscles are quite up to speed.  lots of walking the streets, you see.  but the mild numbness and creepy inflexible funnies of the left big toe remain.  but there it was.  that sizzle kind of simmer pain. quite unlike the tired toes from walking pain.  so.  i hope. 

today i got a driver's license.  i am a veritable superstar, having missed only one question on the test.  california will take me as it's very own now.  charming really.  though my picture is much worse than on my far more spiffy computer generated ohio license  (which i will treasure despite the brutal perforation).  and i unexpectedly ran into my mystery roommate who i hardly run into at home because she scampers with all manner of speed between her close doored room and the kitchen without a single glance to the side or a word of hello.  but it is an instance in a series--we have also coincided on the 48 bus  and in the laundromat.  mystical. 

i also special treated myself to kabuki springs where i had never been.  today a day for ladies, so clothing optional.  (co-ed day requires bathing clothes, you see).  and so.  hot air and steam and soak and plunge with the naked ladies.  quite a lovely return to a fairly long hiatus from sizzling and soaking.  i came in the late afternoon so witnessed the interesting transition between the daytime folk and the evening perhaps coming in after work folk.  mainly the increase in bathing gear and modesty as evening arrived.  perhaps also of note was seeing this lady who had shown me an apartment a few weeks ago.  wondering whether she recognized me and was ignoring the recognition as i was.  a little too weird to acknowledge near not-quite-stranger-hood when in a naked quiet place.

and really not much else happened today.  save energy for dancing.  so dancing does not exhaust me for too many days after.  i should like to be coherent come job interview on monday.  perhaps one day be a good productive citizen.  though i do feel pleasantly afloat in my abundance of free time.  more physically and emotionally healthy than i was when working with the crazy kids.  i should like to think i can remain steady headed when more is on my plate.  though this coffee hiatus thing is quite mystical.  i seemed to have all this secret energy which was previously eaten up by too much caffeine at once.  i think.  but suspicions state it may be a grave struggle to return to early morning wake up without coffee help.

henceforth i will briefly nap. 
aloha.

 thank you for your counsel, gentlemen.  well. (gasp!) it looks like we are moving in a few weeks.  egads. i think it will be cute and charming to make a new home.  but i will certainly miss the mission charms.  though i am kinda sorta still nearly in the mission.  or it sure well looks like it if i walk a little eastward.  ho ho ho.  wowee.  though there is this big bed to be moved into a slightly smaller room conundrum.  erk. hoping i can manage it.  for i like big genuine mattress bed.

and i met the little dude who types.  crazy.  at first look he seemed not too high functioning.  lots of weird motor problems.  and that arched arms bouncing sort of gait.  all nonverbal.  eyes all over the place.  doesn't appear to be paying attention to much of anything.  no eye contact whatsoever.  but then i see him doing schooolwork with his tutor.  and then we have a "conversation" which is part of his work schedule.  and it was so cute.  who are you and what are you doing here?  you look japanese, are you?  pretty good eye he has...seeing as how i am half chinese.  you have long hair and i like that, he typed.  told me how he likes chinese food and the name of his favorite restaurant.  it was quite thrilling really.  though rather crazy to think of this one rumbling within apparently comprehending things and aware of the world but totally unable to express himself til learned to type...two or three years ago...and now he is almost ten.  curious.

and oh wowee: two interviews to come.  one with public school autism program where roommate works with little ones.  another with lab folk doing interesting research fairly related to my interests.  woo.  maybe i can get lab job which i suspect is part time and supplement with at home tutoring autistic kids.  curious.

and finally.  i am attempting to detox from caffeine.  but man that raging all day headache. even when i drank tea.  oof.  though advil took care of it a while ago.  there may be hope for me yet.

well all this business is a bit maddening.  so it looks like we can take this apartment way down dolores st at 29th if we want it.  though now i am feeling all things uckiness with the inconvenience factor.  lack of walkable bart distance (a mile versus less than half a mile now).  the potential need for a car.  boo.  everything is quite charming and cheap.  but the more i think on it the more i find that this location convenience thing is quite a goddamn nuisance.  especially because i fear i will end up finding a job on the east bay.  shit shit shit.  hate this anxious state.  perhaps i could become a bicycle rider to the bart.  but.  there is this fear.  does the backyard tree lined boulevard beautiful sunshine bright house for cheap with living room (woo) beat the pleasantry of being able to _walk_ or at least only have to take a _single_ mode of transportation to the various pleasing places i like to go?  (including the hippie and yuppie grocery stores now a long walk or a little busride away...or pottery at fourth and harrison easily quickly bart accessible) probably an extra forty minutes spent in transit everyday.   hate hate hate to be all fuzzy buzzy headed.  unable to dissociate genuine rational concerns from the simple desire for routines to remain ingrained and same.  but indeed, inevitably it is always a little bit of both.  and one always adjusts.  though further trickery entails one roommate totally into the automobile so this whole public transport concern she seems not to actually understand.  the other has lived in this apartment for three years and is quite feeling the nostalgia for places walks routines even more deeply ingrained.  location versus oh so pretty.  oh ug.  i suspect that going back there i will become swayed in the direction of the place.  but.  erk.  if anyone is out there...counsel me!!!

meanwhile.  i am also a little fizzled because i am rather foolishly going to meet an autistic boy who types to communicate, who is probably going to need another part time tutor in the coming weeks.  and i have discovered it is totally out of the way, bart to oakland plus this bus that only comes every hour.  ug.  but too late to cancel.  and still curious.  so feeling nervous simply because of new folk mystery compounded by this sense of silliness in going at all. glup glup glup. 

plus this deep voices lady, mildly bitchy on the phone, telling me to come be interviewed.  but poo poo lady didn't put anything about the organization or the requirement of having a car to drive.  and i tell her getting a car is possible.  but was going to get it depending on whether i got a job that it made sense for.  and she tells me over and over i am being so vague.  you are being very vague.  so vague.  in her slow deep voice.  until she explains that if hired after interview i would shadow the next day.  get the ball rolling straight away.  sclurp welp. up. well no.  it didn't make sense.  committing to car buy beforehand for a job she was hardly giving info about where i would  probably have to go trotting off to pleasanton and fremont and everywhere else. egads. oh well.  so i am a little annoyed (magnified by my funny mind state) by information not mentioned in the ad, by the money spent on faxing my info, by the bitchy tone i got from her slow deep voice.  so. complain. bleh. boo.

sizzle pop.  i think the anxious fizzle will be removed once things are decided.  if we take that place and all that.  no more guessing pretending projecting regretting.  but new focus on new step.  but.  but but.  like i said.  counsel me!!

i think i have a doppelganger because people i don't know look at me with recognition and say hello.  at least at golden gate park. yeah so i did the hippie thing today  though oft times it seems more like the inebriated weird man thing plus grouchy old lady and drummed til and past sundown.  first time in several months.  the incessant blogger that i am now and have been for spots in the past may even note somewhere that drumming instance.  but i seem to always find frustration for a while in awkward standing kneeling can't hear myself positions til i sneak on to the park bench spot and get a little groove.  tap a tap. it actually seemed to sound fairly shitty til the competing drum circle dissipated and it started to get cold and dark.  so i was pleased to have stayed.  but one must stay when one totes the drum on foot to bus 'cross the town and on foot again i find.

but there is this old hippie that won't stop talking to me.  and brought me an eclair as a gift.  and really wants to eat a meal and play pool and all this and that.  and is too nice to tell to shove off.  but.  ug.  i have this weird men problem.  perhaps it lies in the fact of my listening.  though partly i am thinking of this because i read this: "The phrase 'it's absolutely the same with me, I...' seems to be an approving echo, a way of continuing the other's thought, but that is an illusion: in reality it is a brute revolt against a brutal violence, an effort to free our own ear from the bondage and to occupy the enemy's ear by force.  Because all of man's life among his kind is nothing other than a battle to seize the ear of others.  The whole secret of Tamina's popularity is that she has no desire to talk about herself.  She submits to the forces occupying her ear, never saying: 'It's absolutely the same with me, I..."  So apparently I have this desire to talk about myself, judging from my ever verbose blogging. but.  perhaps these funny people in parks pursue me for my attention and non interruption.  which is not perceived as neutral openness, but receptive female.  and apparently i hide my inner squirm escape creature fairly well.  so much so that one medium creepy guy and one fairly nice acquaintance have told me i seem grounded, like i have a root. oho.

but then there is the big fellow i've seen repeatedly after meeting at the park.  and he seemed like he wasn't going to attack me.  so he has my number.  so i saw him at  this club friday night.  the guy who gives massages (i think paid) in the chill room.  which kind of creeps me out in this ecstasy reminder way (people on ecstasy have this nauseating effect on me).  plus he said hello and hugged hello.  but left his arm around me.  as i stood there tensing up.  and him trying to get me to name a day when we could have coffee.  ug.  oh.  my precious personal space.  i felt all infringed upon.  though in part because of him smelling like a body.  not body odor exactly.  but.  a body.  too close to me.  though it was weirdly an issue in my head today.  partly because my rules of personal space are ever broken on the public bus.  that is, i tend to choose the seat that is furthest from people, allowing a seat between others whenever possible. but some folk seem to want to cozy right next to me and trap me against the window.  even when there are ample spacious seats abounding.  or at least today it was so.  two men in a row. the second guy dressed kind of eighties dork (very light a little too short jeans, short sleeved plaid shirt, medium length eighties hair) somehow made my mildly upset stomach (creepy trader joe's sushi?) worse with the elaborate swaying of his head to the music of his white ipod earphones.  i couldn't get those swaying white wires out of my peripheral vision and somehow they just made my stomach turn and turn.  perhaps some weird rhythmic dissonance between the digestive ick, the rumbling bus, and that slowly swaying head.  but yes indeed.  old hippie man infringed upon my ear.  but then the big fellow appeared at the park too and infringed upon the old hippie man's effort to converse with me.  so weird.  when he tapped me on the shoulder as old hippie man was midsentence  infringing on the interaction i had  a flash of the memory of that heavy arm and the feeling of my body tensing up beneath it.  i think my inner squirm may have been less well concealed at that moment, judging from his tone of voice when i turned around.  but these social signals are always a puzzler.   puzzling.

i also visited this visiting girl who is just about a stranger.  but we went on a fun time adventure after this party many months ago (bolina, beach walk, point reyes, doing a puzzle, all without yet having slept after dancing all night).  and she wrote me a letter.  and i wrote her one.   i kind of feel like we are strangers pretending to be friends...but this seems to work just fine.  but i also find i feel a funny affinity with her.  i think because she seems to have been a very closed shy person turned slowly opening attentive happy person.  who adores dancing.  and it seems like we have experienced some of those same puzzling preoccupations with misinterpretation and little infringements.  but maybe she is a little further along on her littler version of this curious opening ever widening path than i am.  but i must say, going and sitting in her friends' kitchen eating bland trader joe's soup and haivng random conversation left me thoroughly pleased  perhaps we are not pretending?  though i am reminded of this one little phrase about how meditation is at first a little funny, dreamlike, like you are imagining yourself meditating.  perhaps tangentially related something or others. 


but i got home around midnight.  there is the mate. hello. my roommate has taken to designating me as her roller of spliffs.  which is a nice flattering project and amusing as i am not really a smoker of spliffs.  and i say.  no don't want any.  but then once the project is complete, i am so proud of my craft that i go ahead with the project's destructive completion.  there is something of that feeling of bringing some functional elementary school art project home to your parents and seeing them use it.  like the mug tree i made at summer camp when i was 10.  oh what a special one am i.

oh!

i killed this day in a slow and ambling way.

today's satisfying synchronicity:

drinking a rather overwhelmingly sweet iced mocha in a hot and crowded cafe. reading the book of laughter and forgetting (first milan kundera i've read, and a welcome respite from the buddhist psychology business which was getting a bit heavy for my head) and this story of this couple and their established roles and jealousies and guilt and superiority plus change plus time plus mother in law. their rather illfound effort to escape their unfortunate patterns with a mutually enjoyed and befriended mistress in threesome. which only seems to reinforce the patterns they wish to escape. and so. that is what i read. and shut the book to leave and tend to the wet clothes a few blocks away. only to overhear some guy telling his pals...well when i want to sleep with another girl it has to be someone she likes too and finds attractive so we both...

and so. i cannot say i hold those little synchronicities as harbingers of anything at all. though there is a pleasant sense of being the tiniest bit in tune with the mechanisms of the universe which makes my head float a bit higher over the rest of me (this could be the two shots of espresso in my overwhelming mocha, however). though synchronicities between book world and reality world are charming in a rather different way from the real world real world ones. well well.

tangentially related. thinking of the human zoo i saw in oakland (three people living in cages in a warehouse for a week on display). the dicky box: this friend of a friend who i ran into yesterday in the art supply store is to be confined in plexiglass box on the playa for all of burning man. though my roommate tells me it is all a play on this feller who was confined in a plexiglass box suspended over the thames for forty days with only water (his name escapes me). the mildly irritating association i make with these things with that episode of sex and the city where there is some woman confining herself to a pedestal in a gallery for a week. so it is curious all this confinement cultural business afoot.

all satisfyingly related to a large, satisfying paper i once wrote on nabokov and kafka and confinement and mulltiple realities and illusory layers and lots of abstract ambiguous business. surely nabokov would have appreciated the confusion of novel world and reality world. yes? yes. so i return to my old synchronicity.

yes. very satisfying. link and bobolink.

but, must visit the sun before it leaves. godspeed.

the things i did today:

i managed to make a smoothie that tasted rather like vomit when it hit this very specific part of my tongue in the very back. it was a sad moment for smoothie ego. but will be overcome tomorrow. i hope.

looked at an apartment in hayes valley rather conspicuously the only victorian on a tiny street filled with those new updated projects. just like the pastel colored projects a couple blocks to the south of my current place, but instead painted a more neutral beige tan brown color. i don't want to be a bastard, but i think the weird conspicuous feeling (whether real or imaginary) may have to overcome the ultra cheap rent. of course. there is also that stunning view of neutral beige tan brown colored identical buildings. so. eep. it had a very nice looking fridge though.

stopped at the dmv for one of those handbook thingies. i am afraid i am going to have to pay a big penalty for waiting so long to get a license. everything says, with grave finality, you MUST get a california license within ten days of establishing residency (taking a job, voting in an election, blah blah blah establish so and so). without further explanation. like grave consequences. unfortunately i never read these things at other times. but. well. i guess i'll find out one of these days. i figure if i want to declare residency for a uc school sometime before too long i best not try to lie to the dmv to save myself the pooper mystery fee which maybe doesn't exist. oho.

walked to the land of the lower haight and basked in the sun with coffee at a sidewalk table. eavesdropped on neighboring conversations (one guy's brother ray just died of cancer and the other guy could not stand the hot weather). called apartment people. read more of this buddhist psychology beeswax.

walked to japantown for the purposes of visiting the cutie little japanaese stationary store. my totally neglected high school friend's brithday is coming up (i have never been able to remember the date. ever. march something teenth) and she has this thing for the charm and wonder of the tiny characters with indecipherable japanese and charmingly bad english translations. particularly the edible kittens. and so i am fashioning a tiny package with a little yet to be written letter and all this cutesy woo woo stuff. so this is fun time. though i am slowly dying because i am carrying too much shit in my backpack. but still. fun. and i got tiny rabbit magnets (yes. i am keeping some of these because they are so wuvable woo aww)

half ignored phone calls from this tall guy i met at the park yesterday. mainly because i hate to talk in little stores. and i was slowly dying as mentioned above. i did later call him back and left a message because i am a very nice girl.

i contemplated kabuki springs for a while. it was originally my intention to hit the spa shebang today. ladies only clothing optional. yahoo. but time did not permit it. perhaps friday. i have not soaked and plunged and simmered and steamed in a long while. but the thought of being indoors probably dimly lit was not so appealing on this sunny day of days. wowee. so. one day. heat and cold and sizzle pop. woo. (though all this makes me think of the hot springs in sierraville where they have this small swimming pool that is like bath water. that is what i want. right now. swimming in hot water. none of this confined to a little tub nonsense. bah). another day then.

bussed to ton kiang. an interesting experiment in lone dining. totally silly with dim sum. variety is something of an impossibility. and then i ate too too much. but. yum. i had snow pea leaves (the best thing ever), pot stickers, shrimp and snow pea dumplings, shumai, and egg custard tart. i left one shumai and saved two tarts. stuffed. oof. but tasty. and lots of tea.

and to the beach. the sudsy foamy stuff always creeps me out. perhaps someone can tell me the actual cause. it definitely seems like soapy creepy run off churned by the waves and spread and poofed up to massive everywhere proportions. but. it seems so everywhere to be unnatural and seemingly ignored. i actually searched on teh internet to figure this out. but to no avail. eep. and so.... i walked. and dropped. lay quietly. almost took a nap. (for the life of me i had the hardest time sleeping last night, by the way, for no reason at all, perhaps the surfacing of generalized unacknowledged anxiety spooky shit) bugs took a shine to my shins and ankles. my eyes are a little dry salty feeling now. i waded a teensy cold cold bit. and dug my feet into the wet sand til they were all covered. love that strange pseudo solid mush consistency after you step on the wet and loosen things up a bit. (reminding me of a funny adventure morning last summer when i dug my feet into the sand and tall boy tidied up the mislaid sand above the submerged feet with his toes and then after a moment he did the same and i did the same for him and it was more charming and memorable for me than silly things like that ought ever to be) a great effort: the process of cleaning my feet enough to resock them--yes i wore my socks and sneakers, you see, for walking comfort over a lengthy day.

but of course, as is customary, i couldn't leave. the sun was ambiguously mid to low sky. so had to watch the sunset. always love those dusk colors. they make all those red tipped dune plants turn brighter green and brighter tipped red. the best is right after the sun sets and all the pink sky is reflected on all the wet sand left behind by retreating waves. despite the ambiguously creepy factor, the foam added this cartoonish creature element because it was scurrying along the beach in strange formations as the wind blew. little speedy sillhouttes. like cartoon ghosts. or cars. or clouds. or something. something vaguely yet pleasantly creepy. i like when people start to get going but have to turn around for one last look. let's see. anything else? the lomg haired nerdy student. the dreaded hippies. the little asian girls one photographing the other jumping with arms up on the dune. the old big bearded man standing atop the dune surveying the scene. the clothed in black feller who woke up at sunset from his knit cap covering his eyes nap, watched for a while, then left to walk barefoot on the shiny relflected sky (i was a little jealous actually, but felt i could not undo the prized labour of cleaning my feet earlier). the seemingly out of it overly eighties hip girls. skater looking boy with digital camera and the sniffles. the poor tiny dog's high pitched yelps when this big dog went and attacked him (quickly saved by big dog owner's call and leash). once jsut about almost sort of ready to leave, a brief visit to the glowing wet sand place, a brief foray into the glowing dune plant place. and. yes. the long public transport journey home. with headache and a vague tummy upset. a bit dehydrated and too much fooded. oh well. eep.

the library to pick up my worker's compensation book kindly shipped to the mission from the sunset (as was i, today, come to think of it). which i have examined a bit. it has clarified the lawyer's snappity nonlinear speak. is a couple thousand dollars worth the hassle of dealing with big pooper people. probably. though ug. pooper people such a problem.

chamomile mint tea to settle my tum.

sitting. tired. contemplations of dancing later. free psy til 2am. um. perhaps the answer to the question comes based upon me falling asleep within the hour and not waking up till the morn. oh. so. we'll see.

as a side note. i have not remembered a single dream. i resolved to remember them. and that night had this very elaborate weird dream well remembered, written down. but since then. just wipsy bits of hardly writable something or other. or remembering waking up anxious. so. we'll see. i resolve again. thoroughly. i do.

i will remind myself perhaps to write something about the business i am reading as it is always creepily of note to read psychological theory stuff and see how it lines up with your thinking patterns. the asura realm and the realm of the hungry ghosts in particular. make me squirm a little.

now. this is a post. complete.

other news. well. maybe i found us an apartment. though maybe i was too easily seduced by the sunshine and the general aaahhhh-ness of the tree lined dolores street dream. but sunshine. backyard. beautifully cheap rent (1650 for three bedroom in this absurd city). charming green tiled fireplace in a charmingly bright living room (living room is the dream come true). plus storage space in the pseudo-basement. i like it. but i will have to return with the mates. eep. in retrospect i seem ot have nothing much to say. hey now.

wowee. i got two pre-interview screeny type phone calls from job folk today.  wowee.  there may be hope yet.

another one roped me into conversation.  i mean. these fellers seem to be nice and all. but once again i end up having somewhat prolonged conversation in the sunny park setting.  probably some early thirties guy.  who is curious about my racial background. and provide contact information.  which makes me nervous.  but.  too much time alone.  perhaps perhaps perhaps.

well.  the library kills my connection. adieu.

 

i love refined sugar dissolved in brown caffeine beverage. the dual addiction shows not the least sign of waning. one wonders what will become of me...

welp. i linked blog to blogs. which i never did before because of this weird etiquette i felt i did not want to undertake. but. nah. i decided to end the ookiness and hold forth with convenience since there are places i visit. now i can click the places. wowee. virtual spaces connected with virtual strings. though as i noted before, various blogs i used to visit a fair amount (like mictlan and slow exhale and likewise) seem to have stopped for one reason or another. so. oh oh. if i had a fiery thrilling social existence and less time. perhaps blog would die. yes? yes.

last night i learned a very interesting fact. i can dance to industrial music. it has this appropriate speed and enough mildly scary machine monster noises to grab on to for me to get down in my usual arm wobble turn around manner. though i am quite conspicuous among black clothed goth girls with leather accents and substantial shoes. but yes, we did bar hop. which is a very funny activity. as i am more inclined to seek out grand event and stick to it singly. but the mates they like their drink and their pop pop pop. and i like the mates and moderated drink (a three beer evening) and i wiggled to the various music styles encountered. and lo and behold: there was fun. i admit it. trying not to take my dancing self too seriously. though a serious dance shall be forthcoming complete with fine music with excellent handholds and much underlying spooky wooshy shit to make my torso and accompanying limbs move in wavy breathy spooky wooshy ways. yay.

two apartments seen today in hayes valley. one too small with fabulous view. one well sized, well priced, no fabulous view, allll carpeted (not so keen on the carpet). so. ug.

the drum circle. i got all wrapped up in those nice percussive noises. lotsa folk out and about for the perfect weather day. but i couldn't sit for fear of that seeping water creeping gross wet undies. yuck. funny hippie guy telling me about his tie dye. and our bostonian bond. he used to hang out in the co-op where i lived back-in-the-day. ha ha. and his friend with chai and pie who told me i look so familiar. and perhaps there is a reason for the prefamiliarity. predestined to intertwine destinies, our memories of the future filter into present unexplained familiarity! woo woo stuff. ahem. and the drumming went pounding on despite all my patience waiting for the messy lull which would give me proper closure enough to leave. and the feller who came to talk to me as i stood by a tree (pausing preleaving to turn and see trees sillhouetted against pink sunset) claiming he sought me out because he thought i was from peru. i look peruvian. like i am from lima. in particular. i see. i confuse people with my multiple races. random introductory conversation. i may have fallen into the boring thirtysomething trap again. though it was nice how he was a little awkward trying to but not quite asking for a way to keep in touch. so i offered up an email address. the nonthreatening phone number alternative. how appropriate i live in these technological times, maintaining comfortable distance, while fulfilling social something or others. almost. not quite. but that was a curiosity.

how quickly people scurry to meet and greet and informationize each other. the trickery involved is my lack of scurry and trust makes my meeting fairly few and far between. in contrast to the general hello meeto hustle bustle. how does the hello meeto hustle bustle have enough energy not to trivialize their interactions with people? though maybe the more apt question is why my interactions with people take up so much of my energy. the worry. the manufacturing of mystery perspectives. oh well oh. meet people openly. minimal expectations. don't be a goddamn flake. guidelines.

saturday saturday saturday night. alright.

i interacted socially yesterday. good work! ha ha. though with a couple of folks i knew from boston. where for some reason i was much better at socializing. or perhaps people were of a different socialization style to which i could better relate. perhaps a function of students and schoolishness. maybe bostonian atmosphere of everyone in transit and learning? versus san francisco i've come here to exist in the bubble. the bubble's barrier quite transparent but enourmously thick and tricky to penetrate (thus the preponderance of collectives, scenes, etc, etc). though maybe only if you are still stuck in learning and transit mode. though i do like learning. and being in transit. and existing. yes. this should be fine. i repeat the ever repeated repeatable cliche of east west united states dichotomy.

i feel like an autistic child. somehow my unstructured days are made far more manageable by an absurd dependence on to-do-lists contained in little notebook. yes. i have written things after already doing them in order to instantly cross them off. less lamination, pictures, and velcro (the common fair of nonverbal autistic children, you see). but yes. structure can be valuable for one's mental health.

i can can say truly that i have defeated the defeat of the weekend. the way in which the weekend defeated me. the up all night calm extravaganza. too much time i have to reflect on the weariness of my mental state. oh budding buddhist become the weariness and irritation so there will be no one to be weary and irritated. wearritated. which is what i usually am when irritated. weary. cranky.

but so this is fine right now. i feel quite up to snuff. as they say. i've never said it. despite concern for epic soaking potential on the walk home. with my computer. (oh shit)

i am in the same old cafe again. it is true.

yesterday i was overwhelmed by lesbians everywhere.

today i have not yet been overwhelmed by anything. though i am sure it could somehow be arranged.

ok. i will go forth. perhaps a chance to miss the coming rain.

well i am being absurd. today i have experienced a marathon computer time killer session. yes. tribe.net. friendster. reading blogs (many which i used to read seem to have been abandoned...eek). i suspect it is the trickery of returning to my lone routine after having constant interaction for three days. my lack of persons to bother means let's pretenderact on pseudosocial internet space. so. well. ok. tomorrow i will emerge from the lull. i presume. full force. ha ha.

so the lawyer. well. weird. he said i could probably get me some moneys out of all this back nonsense. it would involve lawyer and workers comp insurance company agreeing on a doctor to assess whether herniated disc was work related...and go from there. this is fairly appealing. though also feels kind of petty, in a way, as i don't really need the money. though i think i deserve it. though mainly i want that shit of a doctor to have a moment where he feels like the shit that he is. but i suspect that kind of arrogance is so strong simply because it let's these things roll on over it. so. i don't know. contemplations. ok!

the rain the rain the rain

after puttering rather sputteringly along in the flounder, my attention seems better kept by another buddhism kind o book--the sanity you were born with. trungpa writings on buddhism and psychology. yep. my spirituality kick goes on. cute little cake eater.

ok. pitter patter. one wishes for correlates. dietary explanations. weather. astrology! for the mental alterations. i guess i have them. my whizzy clogg-ed brain off after weekend fun, speaking to people, car drive, different foods. my well set routine was given a good kick in the pants. one should be more adaptable. trot trot along with whatever comes.

open open open up. yup.

ok. in my effort to make amends with gravity, i ought to do my stretching.

though. you know. i was thinking. suspecting. i will probably end up studying psychology. maybe clinical. so i can be a fine academic. then i get to study all the nonsense i want to once i am fairly settled in my status. though maybe this means many years. but. it could rock it if i could manage to study mind body beeswax weird therapies meditation woo woo stuff in a way that could help legitimize it. satisfying indeed.

but maybe this is because i was told i look like a grad student. and over the weekend as my circadian rhythms dropped me back into slightly goofy up all night awakeness i went and said all these fairly intelligent things about stuff i never get to talk about. but i bet i would in school. plus i am all atttracted to nonfiction science writing books and psychology books and all this hoo ha. thinking maybe i could take classes at CIIS over the summer just to get a little bit of the woo woo stuff straight out to better figure out how to study it in subtle ways more acceptable to normal academia.

med school i bet would be thrillingly interesting. but i do despise the fundamentally flawed health care system. of course. it would be nice to feel practically productively useful. but the locking into the path freaks me out. and the viewpoint of medicine is irritatingly sectioned off and narrow within each specialty. and the general practioners don't get to do the cool stuff (like surgery). and the surgeons can get to be a little too removed from their patients as people. i do do do like learning about the body though. that would be neato.

i want to be a mystical doctor doctor mindbodyhealeresearcherama. yeah!

for real. completion. stretch. sleep. go!

currently aflicted by a totally unreasonable fatigue.  ug ug ug.  enough sleep. enough coffee.  just crawling along.  perhaps not enough activity is the thing.  i spoke to mister lawyer today though.  fast talker nonconsecutive feller.  or maybe i was slow thinker.  in any case.  ug.  i don't know.  oops. the library is killing my internet session.  bleep bleeep bleeeeeep.